This post previously appeared on Art Teachers Hate Glitter on February 2, 2011.
Hey there, little buddy. How ya doin’? Doing good? Listen, the other day, when you were in my classroom, well, you kind of sort of left something behind when you left. I know the item in question isn’t something a student would normally leave behind in class, so I assure you I will handle this issue delicately. Here, why don’t you come over here where the other students won’t hear, and I’ll try to keep me voice down.
Now, I was just curious, and who knows, maybe you didn’t even know you did it, but I was wondering, why did you leave your Spidey undies on my art room floor? I mean, from what I could gather, they looked like perfectly good and, um, clean underwear. I’m sure there are many logical explanations for this, right? I mean, maybe you were feeling like they were restricting you and you had to be free of their confining ways. I get it. Not everyone in this world was meant to wear undergarments. You know, now that I think about it, we were experiencing those unseasonably high temperatures. Maybe you were hot? Or maybe, and I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me, your pants were recently laundered, and unbeknown to you, there were a pair of Spidey tightie whities stuffed up your pants leg. It happens. Or maybe, just maybe, you had finally had enough of hearing about the Spiderman Broadway show catastrophes and you decided to take your frustration out by shedding your unmentionables in an act of protest.
Regardless of the reason, I have a more pressing question to raise. Laundry mishap aside, how on Earth did you get those things off without anyone noticing? I checked my seating chart, and I know you never left to use the bathroom during class. And all of your table mates were present and accounted for, so had you de-robed at your table in the corner, someone would have noticed and mentioned it. And even if your underwear had slipped from your pants leg or even fallen from your pocket, how, during the act of clean-up and lining up, how did no one notice the Webbed Wonder* lying on the floor?
You know what? I can tell you’re embarrassed, so how ’bout we just let this one slide, shall we? Although, if Superman shows up next week, we might have to have this little talk again.
Ms. Art Teacher
*I don’t know if he is actually referred to as the “Webbed Wonder” or if I just made this up.