This post previously appeared on Art Teachers Hate Glitter on December 10, 2010.

We all want to be the perfect art teacher, right? Everyone’s favorite teacher. The one who has cool stories to tell, the one with all sorts of art knowledge, and the one who teaches every student everything they ever wanted to know about art. We want to connect with every student, invoke…

What? A drink? No, you can’t go get a drink. If I send you I’ll have to send everyone. Now please listen, it’s Ms. Art Teacher’s time to talk.

Where was I? Oh right, the perfect art teacher. We dream of being the teacher who instills curiosity in our students’ minds. Encourages them to experiment and explore and investigate. We want our students to…

Can you please sit still? What do you need? Do you think now is an appropriate time to use the bathroom? Probably not, huh? You can go when I ‘m finished talking.

Um, right, so, we want our students to be amazed with our demonstrations, enthralled by the knowledge we’re sharing with them, um… where was I headed with this again? Right, we want to show them all the sneaky “art tricks”, the cool “artists’ techniques”, the…

Where are you going? We’re not even using our pencils today, why do you need to sharpen it? Please return to your seat, put the pencil back in the pencil bin, and pay attention.

So, um… art tricks… techniques… right, provider of all art related knowledge. I, we, want to explain to students all the magical things that happen with clay when it’s fired, the neat chemistry behind glazes, how to slip and score, “pinch” and coil. We want them to be excited, to think that this is the BEST ART DAY EVER, every day. We want them to wake up every Thursday, or Day 3, or Monday, and think, ” I can’t wait to go to school because I have art today and I love art!” We want them… we want…

Yes, we’ll get started soon, but I actually have to talk to you and explain what it is we’re doing before you can start, so, please, for the third time, listen and pay attention or else you’re not going to know what to do.

Yes, so, we want to mold the minds of the artistically inclined, pique their interest in everything artistic and creative. Encourage their free thinking. Let them…

Can you please stop calling out Ms. Art Teacher’s name? Please? If you need my help, just raise your hand, and I’ll be there after I help the 23 other students who need my help because they don’t know what to do because they didn’t pay attention to the directions. Yes, other student tugging on my sweater, I know you know what to do because you paid attention, because you always pay attention. No, while I appreciate your eagerness to help, please just go back to doing your own work.

We want them to be excited, to think that this is the BEST ART DAY… wait, I already said that, didn’t I? Now I lost my train of thought. What I mean is, we want to be the smartest, rockin’est teacher ever. We want our students to leave our class feeling more alive and more informed than they did when they walked in. We want…

Oh, geez! Look at the time. It’s time to go. We’ll just have to finish this up next time, won’t we? No, no, that’s all for today, we’ll continue this next week. No, now is not the time to use the bathroom either.  Just clean up your stuff and be on your way.

*Sigh*

Ms. Art Teacher could use a drink.

For more student funnies, check out more of Things Students Say. Or check out more #tbt posts.