Merda d’artista: Channeling Piero Manzoni

Dear First Grade Student(s):

I get it. It’s the end of the day. It’s unseasonably hot. The art room feels (and smells) like the inside of a 6th grader’s sweaty sneaker. You’re tired. I’m tired. Heck, I can tell by that look of consternation on your face that there’s really somewhere else you’d rather be. You want to go home. I want to go home. But hey, we’re all in this together, so let’s make the best of this situation, shall we? Oh, and one more thing, please stop leaving your poop in the art room. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Your Art Teacher

A little over a year ago I wrote a letter to a Kindergarten student about the Spiderman undies he left in my art room. Surprisingly, several of you were all, “Hey, at least it wasn’t something else,” which honestly never occurred to me as a possibility. Well guess what? This year must be the year of the something else because not once, but twice, poo was discovered on my art room floor. Twice in the span of a month. The first time I was all, “Hey. That could be poop or it could be clay, who knows, but I don’t want to risk it,” and I made a call to have it cleaned up. Today there was no doubt in my mind what it was. Generally, I’m not one to point fingers, but given that both incidents of Code Brown occurred while I had the same first grade class in art, I think it’s safe to say that I’ve got the number of possible culprits narrowed down to about 25. I could narrow the list of suspects even further to the five students sitting at the table under which the deposit was made, but seeing as how each incident occurred beneath different tables, I suppose I would then have to broaden my list to ten. Then again, I could just point my finger at the kid who had his hand deep down in his pants, possibly partaking in some post-lunch excavation…

Regardless of the source, I am truly grossed out. The thought that a student used the same hand that he (or she) uses when writing, cutting, gluing, pushing in his (or her) chair to do, well, that, had me wearing big ole’ orange rubber gloves and disinfecting my classroom at the end of the day. I’m considering making up a badge to proudly proclaim my survival of the trifecta of bodily waste. The 3Ps, if you will, pee, puke and poop.

Have you made it into the 3P Club yet?

Other possible titles for this post:
Hey! Kid! You dropped your feces.
Code Brown Makes Me Frown

(I feel it’s necessary to inform you that I Googled “feces synonyms” for this post. It had to be done. I think “night soil” is my favorite. Also, I Googled “poop artist”.)

(And for those responsible teacher-types out there, I did have a conversation with the class about using the facilities, and I spoke with the classroom teacher about it afterwards. Apparently Mr. Hanky has made an appearance or two on the floor of their classroom’s bathroom. Which makes me wonder what about my art room resembles a bathroom? Maybe it’s all the sinks.)

So what you’re saying, is that I’m less important than a sink?

A quick back story for you… Over the summer I lost my classroom because our school population grew. The principal very well could have tossed me a cart and said, “Have at it,” but instead she had a classroom built for me in the “pod”. If you don’t know what a pod is, take a look at this illustration of a “typical pod”. The pods in our school are quite similar, minus the outdoor classroom, and with sinks and counters in the center and tables for students to work at. My octagonal art room was constructed by closing in the common area and building walls between and above the counters. As a result, communal sinks and storage have now become art room sinks and storage. Inconvenient? Yes. The worst thing that could have happened? No. It appears to me that the eight classrooms surrounding me, including the second, sink-less art room, have adjusted. And then this happened a couple of weeks ago…

A Teacher’s Aide (TA) wandered into my classroom to fill her water bottle up at one of the sinks.

TA: You’re not here every day, are you?
ATHG: No, I’m only here Tuesday-Thursday.
TA: That really is inconvenient. We don’t have access to the sinks or paper towels when you’re not here. Don’t you think you could leave the door unlocked.
ATHG: Well, no, I do have a lot of stuff in here…
TA (looking around): Oh yeah, I guess you do…
ATHG: You could ask for a roll of paper towels for your room…
TA: I really think this was the dumbest idea when they built this room here. They could have asked us first. What do they expect us to do?
ATHG: I can see how it’s inconvenient, but I’m glad they built me a classroom. It’s better than the alternative. I could have been on a cart.
TA: Hmph

(End Scene)

I almost felt bad for this woman. I mean, to think that she has to walk a couple classrooms down to the water fountain or bathrooms when I’m not here. *Gasp* The poor thing. Honestly, I don’t even use the sinks in my room to fill up my water bottle. You wouldn’t either if you smelled the water that came from those faucets. I really liked though how she made no effort to hide the fact that my needs as a teacher were far less important than her need for water and dry hands. Two weeks later and I’m still chuckling over it.

A Day In the Life

"But how do you get a B in art?"

Report cards went home recently. I always get nervous when report cards go home for the second quarter because I know there will be at least one email sent my way and at least two or three students popping in and asking, “Why did I get a B in art?” This year, however, I was also fortunate enough to walk into a conversation taking place in the office between two adults in which the phrase, “But how do you get a B in art?” was repeated over and over again by one adult while the other one unsuccessfully attempted to explain. I’m pretty sure people just assume art, especially at the elementary level, is an easy A.

In our county, we start assigning letter grades in fourth grade. Or is it third grade? No, I’m pretty sure it’s fourth grade. The shift from the O/G/S/N system to the A/B/C/D one really screws us over, in my opinion (we give grades for Achievement and Effort, by the way). Parents and students are usually satisfied with Gs, but shift that G over to it’s equivalent, B, and all hell breaks loose. As I understand it, based on how it was presented to me, our county-wide grading system works something like this…

A- You’re a fifth grader? Pfff. Your work is so stellar I thought you were a sixth grader. You are obviously doing work above and beyond what is expected and what is average of a fifth grader.

B- Hey there, fifth grader. Way to meet all the requirements and produce work average of a fifth grader. Nice job.

C- Ooh, I see you missed some of the project requirements, fourth grader… What? Oh, you’re in fifth grade? Ouch. Well, better luck next time.

D- Bueller?… Bueller?… Bueller?…

Wait. Art has requirements? It’s not all about just showing up? Sadly, no, it’s not. Not only are there requirements, but there are assessments now too. Assessments that, not only do the students get scored for, but the teachers get scored on as well based on how well they scored their students’ scores. Still with me? I never thought I’d say this, but my fellow art teachers and I now find ourselves teaching to the test. *Gasp* But that’s a conversation for another day.

Of course, next year it’s going to be a whole other ball game as we switch to a 4/3/2/1 grading system and we poor art teachers will be expected to give grades in four different categories, with 4-6 subcategories under each of those categories. Make sense? Yeah, it doesn’t to me either. Guess I know what I’ll be doing on my summer vacation.

How do you give out grades in art?

In the Art Room

…

I feel a bit like Woody Allen right now, winning an award and failing to show up to accept it or thank those who made it happen (that’s a Golden Globes reference right there, and not a very good one). As I’m sure you all know, Jessica from The Art of Education announced the winners for the 2011 Art Ed Blog of the Year AGES ago. And yet you haven’t heard a peep from me about it yet. FAIL. (Do people still say that?)

I have an excuse though, and I’ll let you be the judges on whether or not it’s a good one… You see, right after the nominees were announced, my Bug-a-bug (that would be my baby) and I were struck down with colds. They lasted for a full week. Actually, mine lasted longer than hers. It was rough. We weren’t sleeping, we were all sorts of snotty and I lost my voice for five days. I understand that none of those things have anything to do with my ability to type, except that they do. To add to this sob story, my Bug hasn’t been sleeping well lately, and I’ve been suffering from headaches for a good month or so. But enough about my recent woes.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for voting. I’m continuously amazed that anyone even reads this blog, let alone thinks it’s worthy enough for a Blog of the Year title. Back when I started ATHG, well, it was called something else back then, but back when I started it I had visions of filling my blog with original lesson plans, student artwork and all sorts of fun glittery things. Obviously it evolved into something entirely different.

I was working as a graduate assistant in an art education department at a university, and it aggravated me to no end that the undergrads were being regaled with tales of rainbows and unicorns. They were being taught how to write good, solid lesson plans, of which they practiced teaching on each other, all the while under the impression that that was all there was to being a good art teacher. As long as you went in armed with a well-written lesson plan that met your state’s standards, you were good to go. Ha!

ATHG became a place where I wanted to set the record straight. The thing is though, I never told anyone about it. I never anticipated that people would actually be interested in reading about the snark I spew. Funny story, when Jessica announced the nominees, I decided it was time to fess up, and I took to my personal facebook page to confess that I wrote a little blog called Art Teachers Hate Glitter, and could you please go vote for it, blah, blah, blah. I was surprised by how many people who knew me in real life had come across ATHG one way or another, enjoyed it, and had no idea I was the T behind the blog.

At any rate, thank you, and I’m sorry for not addressing this sooner. I am thrilled that, with all the great art teacher blogs out there with real art teacher content, you all not only enjoy this blog, but based on the comments and emails I receive, you relate to it as well. In the lonely land of the art room, it’s good to know you’re not alone.

In the Art Room

Aw, Shucks.

Oh, geez. Where do I begin?

Today I was out and about with Mr. ATHG and Baby ATHG (I was getting my hair cut for the first time in almost two years, if you must know) when I received an email notification on my smartphone. We were in a busy, unfamiliar mall, and as a self-proclaimed Queen of klutzes, I try to avoid making the maneuvering of crowds and obstacles any more difficult, so I only briefly scanned the email… Jessica… Art Ed Blog… nominated… voting… *SMASH, CRASH, BANG* Okay, well maybe that’s not how it ended, but when I was comfortably seated in the safety of my car, I actually read the entire email and low and behold, I was nominated for an award! And not just any award, but an Art Ed Blog of the Year Award! Here’s the skinny…

Jessica over at The Art of Education informed me that my blog has been selected as one of the finalists to win “Art Ed Blog of the Year!” Holy sch-moly! I am just blown away by this. My snarky little blog was nominated along with some other fabulous art ed blogs that actually feature lesson plans and student artwork. Blogs that you can actually peruse and take something away from. Ideas… tips… inspiration… And all I do is clamor on about how misunderstood art teachers are. But there you have it. I was included on a list of some pretty phenomenal and successful blogs, and I am truly honored.

Now I’m sure you all probably follow most, if not all of the blogs nominated, so you’ve most likely already heard that you get to help select the top 10 blogs. All you have to do is wander over here: VOTE VOTE VOTE. You’re permitted to vote for as many or as few of the blogs as you want, and I hope that you will be so kind as to include this little ole blog in your selection. It would be a great birthday present.

Thank you everyone for all your support, encouragement and comments.

(Voting closes January 20th and the winners will be announced January 21st)